Cheers to another year on 6.18.14

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On days like these, I sit and ponder the past. I’ll be the first to say, I don’t think it’s beneficial for anyone to dwell on and in the past wishing and hoping for a do-over. Quite obviously, we can’t go back to those days, all we can do is keep moving forward. However, I’m a firm believer in not forgetting the past, and every once in a while it can be incredibly beneficial to sit and think back on the good times that got you where you are today and the people who were on the journey with you.

As I go through the •thousands• of pictures on my phone (yes, seriously, thousands) I’m taken back through the past year and a half of my life and I can’t help but get a little sentimental about those wonderful days. I see pictures of when I got my wedding dress, when I married the most incredible man I’ve ever known, and when I got to see that man, my amazing husband, become a United States Airman at his graduation ceremony (and honor grad).

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I saw pictures from my visits to Texas during his second part of training and I’m reminded of all of those special times and moments. Obviously it’s not all happiness as I also stumble upon the pictures from my first pregnancy and miscarriage, those are hard to see. Yet, I see this picture from the week I miscarried and I see my husbands arms around me tight, holding me and protecting me from my own thoughts and sadness.

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I see his strength even in his pain and it’s so beautiful to me. I see a man who can’t stand to see me hurting and wants to make everything better. I see a soon to be daddy broken by the fact that this is a problem he can’t fix and hurting because he’ll never hold that sweet baby we had been dreaming of. Even seeing those pictures, the tough ones to look at and remember, I’m reminded of pure love and support.

I met this cute guy at the age of 16 in a movie theater not having a clue what life had in store for us. I couldn’t have dreamed up a more perfect love story, even with its imperfections along the way. We’ve helped each other grow in so many ways. He was the person I needed in life. He taught me how to be calm and relax and enjoy things without taking everything so seriously and worrying every step of the way. He’s taught me how to let go and live a life of happiness. When I say, he’s my other half, I truly mean it in every way. I was given exactly what I needed to help me grow into who I need to be and he’s still helping me daily with that.

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I’m a young woman. I turn 22 years old tomorrow. In many people’s eyes, I’m •too• young to be where I am now in life. I’m glad those people didn’t make my choices for me because I can’t imagine my life differently. Besides maybe being a rock star, I have everything I could possibly need right now. I completely understand that different people want different things out of life. I get that not everyone dreams of just being settled and having a family, but I would hate to think people were out there thinking I gave something up to have what I have now. Like I lost something, when really, this is like a surreal dream to me. I’m looking back over the years and all of my choices and I made poor decisions, as we all do, but this life I’m living, as coopers wife and expecting mama, isn’t one of them. Does that mean it’s always easy? Absolutely not. Is it supposed to be? No, I don’t think so..life would be very boring if everything was easy. Does it mean I’m done growing as a person and adult? Definitely not! Am I absolutely terrified of being a mama sometimes? Of course, it would be crazy not to get a little scared when imagining being responsible for a human life! I wouldn’t change a thing though, even if I could.

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I’m enjoying seeing where life takes us. I love being on this journey with my best friend. I love that Cooper loves me so completely. I love that he wanted a family just as much or possibly even more than I did. I love that he thinks I’m going to be the best mama to our boy and I •love• picturing him holding our son because he’s going to be the best dad. I love that no matter what happens he’s my partner for life. We could have made other choices, waited to get married and waited to start a family…but if we had, we wouldn’t have been making the choices that •we• wanted for our life together.

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I’m going to continue walking down memory lane tonight, looking through all of these pictures and seeing pure happiness on our faces just because we have each other. I’m going to try and enjoy every second with this man, and as I welcome in a new year of my life I’m going to look forward to the many adventures to come with him by my side. Side note: I can’t wait to meet our son.

So, here’s to turning 22 tomorrow and being so incandescently happy.

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I can’t wait to meet my son- birthing without fear

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It’s been a while since I’ve taken the time to really go through my thoughts and write them down so I figured with so much going on in our lives right now, I needed to take a few moments to do just that. I think clearing your head is a necessary part of life and the way I clear mine happens to be through writing. Unfortunately my cat chewed through yet another computer cord which is why I haven’t blogged in ages. I’m writing this on my iPhone notes so I apologize for the inevitable typos to come.

My life, and coopers, has been consumed, as of late, by all things baby. Most of the time, these are all happy and fun things that make us more excited to enter into the world of parenthood. Occasionally, just as I’m sure all expecting parents feel, we go through phases of what are we getting ourselves into and the fears of money and just life in general come creeping into our souls. I feel like these thoughts are normal, Cooper and I both do a pretty good job at facing those things and discussing them and then moving forward in excitement when we center our thoughts around the love of God and the joy that we know this little boy is going to bring us.

The thing that was consuming my life in an incredibly negative way was the fear of the birthing process. My entire life, I’m blessed to say, hasn’t led me to this fear. I was blessed by so many incredible women in my family that never made me fear the birthing process and many girls growing up today can’t say that. It is filtered in through media and pop culture that we are to expect the most indescribable amount of pain. As young women how could we not fear something that when displayed on television is portrayed as the worst moments of a women’s life? All that we hear is the screaming, the yelling for an epidural, and intervention after intervention.

We are brainwashed from a young age to use the birthing process as a crutch (along with things that we go through as women that allow us to be pregnant in the first place) we hear, “well WE have to go through the pain of childbirth” and many other variations of that as women use it against men regularly..as if they have any control over who is the person going through it.*

I have a deep challenge to all of you women and mothers out there, APPROACH IT DIFFERENTLY. If we took the time that we do instilling the fear of the pain to teach girls and other women the indescribable BLESSING we have in carrying and birthing a precious human being into this world…maybe many births would turn out differently.

When you approach something in fear, your body naturally tenses up, which creates more pain (viscous cycle you guys). News flash ladies, no matter how tense and fearful you are, that baby still has to come out at some point or another.
I’m indebted to the makers of hypno birthing and hypnobabies. This program is meant to help you enjoy your pregnancy and look forward to your birth for what it is, an absolute miracle and blessing no matter how it takes place. It centered my mind again, it brought me back to what I’d always known growing up. Instead of approaching birth negatively and in panic and fear, I now look forward to the process and with every step I’ll be closer to holding the gift that is my son.

I challenge you other mothers to THINK before you open your mouth when speaking to an expecting mother. For some reason, many women take it as a chance to tell horror stories about birthing..do you not remember being in that position leading up to birth? That is the last sort of story an expecting mother needs to hear. Instead, how about staying positive and saying, no matter what happens, you were literally made for this.

I love that in my hypnobabies courses they change the terms we use for all parts of the birthing process from negative to positive terms. We go from using the term labor, to birthing time and contractions to pressure waves Ect. It has helped reshape my thought process and I’d encourage any expecting mother to invest in classes or the home study course.

I’m not in any way saying that people don’t have negative birthing experiences. Nor do I ever want to come off as insensitive to other mothers for what they went through. Look at it as, maybe it’s insensitive to expecting mothers to instill fear in them when birth is inevitable. I know of many women who go into it trying to stay positive and leave with a negative story. What I’m trying to say is, change your focus. Instead of focusing on the negative which you can no longer do anything about, focus on the positive. No matter what, there is a positive to every situation. If you genuinely can’t think of yours, tell me your story after I have my baby boy and I’ll point it out for you.

I think our country needs to make a change for women. We are strong. We were made to be mothers and made to give birth to little miracles. I’ve heard some people say, well God even made it to be painful as a punishment on women because of Eves choice; I have a rebuttal for this. Maybe, just maybe, the real curse is fear of pain and the unknown. Maybe God wants you to approach it in complete trust and peace in him and only then can you see the beauty in the curse.

No matter what I do, my son is going to come into this world via my body. I have two choices, one is to live in fear because of it and approach it wanting interventions to take away the feelings. The second, and much better option in my opinion, is to approach it with joy and peace because at the end of whatever experience I have, I’ll have a little baby to stare down at and think, look what we’ve accomplished.

These have been thoughts that have been growing and just festering in my brain that I needed to share and for any other expecting mamas who read this, WE CAN DO THIS!!!! For any mamas who have had negative experiences, my heart hurts for you but let me just say, GO YOU because you did it, you brought a baby into the world and for that you deserve a giant hug. For those of you who aren’t even thinking about children yet or maybe don’t even want them because of the way we’ve been brainwashed, I challenge you to look at birth through different eyes and give yourself a chance.

So, as I go forward into my last 10 weeks of pregnancy, I am putting my focus on the joy of my baby boy that I’m going to get to meet soon and I can’t help but have a giant ridiculous looking smile on my face.

Side note: *Please don’t assume I mean that men shouldn’t be supportive and comforting during birth because that’s absolutely ridiculous.

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The moments I will never forget

There is absolutely nothing like seeing your baby on an ultra sound for the first time.

The days, hours and seconds leading up to my appointment were some of the most overwhelming thus far in my life. The fear that I’d get the same news I received last time I was in that room was encompassing every aspect of my being. I slept maybe three hours the night before the appointment. I felt like I was going to puke sitting in that room waiting for the Doctor again. The *exact* same room where I heard I lost my last baby, it was hard to breathe.

When the doctor came in I made it very clear I felt like I was about to have a panic attack. She quickly checked my breathing and didn’t hesitate to start the ultrasound immediately.

Then I saw a miracle. She settled over a little human being growing inside of me and the first thing she said was look at that heart beating, this baby has a strong heart and she quickly turned on the sound so we could hear our babies heartbeat for the first time. It was beating at us loud, clear, strong, and fast as if this baby was saying MOM, DAD IM OKAY IN HERE!

The second she had settled on the baby the tears were flowing freely. I could breathe again. I could relax a little bit knowing that, for that moment at least, everything was going as it should.

We saw the baby wiggling around and then just relax and lay there using the placenta as a sort of bed to rest on.

I looked at my sweet husband who had been staying so strong and positive for me throughout the entire process and there he was looking at our child with the biggest smile on his face and tears in his eyes.

I will forever remember these moments and cherish them. Thanking God for even letting me see this baby one time and praying that I’ll get to watch this child grow up. I’m already so deeply in love.

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Hope and the disappearing of hope-a post on miscarriage

Florence Penelope Davis

 

I can hardly describe that feeling you get as a woman when you see that your pregnancy test is positive.  The only word I can use to describe it adequately is hope, pure and untamed hope.  The hope swells up inside of you like a giant balloon ready to pop at any moment of excitement.  At least, that’s how I felt.

 

The second feeling that hit me was utter terror…could I do this? Would I be a good mother? What would I do if I lost the baby?? What would I do if something was wrong with the baby???  Luckily…these feelings were much more tame than the excitement and hope, but they were still there deep down. 

 

I was sick, so so so sick, miserable even…but it was all worth it knowing a little one was growing inside of me.  At least I told myself that every time I was on the verge of puking. 

 

And the planning—good grief all that planning.  In my head I was dreaming up who this little human was, what his or her soul would be like..boy or girl? I researched the best products—carseats, baby wraps, strollers. We had it all picked out before I was even in my second trimester.  Crazy right? That’s what hope can do..take over every aspect of your brain. 

 

Then, that morning I will never in my life forget. Friday September 14 I had entered my second trimester and it was also the day I saw blood.  This being my first pregnancy I lost it crying knowing there was something very wrong.  Of course I called my mom and told her…she tried to calm me down she got me to talk to my cousin who has two children of her own and is a nurse.  She talked to my cousins wife who works with an ob-gyn. 

 

Everyone told me it was probably nothing, and that this was very normal for some women, but I knew..deep in my heart and soul I knew I’d lost the baby. I dealt with the pain and grief all weekend.  My best friend and mom and sweet Cooper all trying to comfort me in my pain and keep my hope alive–but it was gone..the hope had disappeared. 

 

Monday morning, my mom caught a last minute flight in to Tucson and took a taxi to meet us at the Dr’s office. She walked in right before the ultrasound.  That next hour is a bit of a blur to me now…seeing the ultrasound and finding out we’d lost the baby.  It was the confirmation of what I had assumed for three days.  I’d cried all weekend, feeling as though I’d lost a piece of my heart. 

 

I’m a Christian, I knew and I know that my baby girl is up in heaven.  I know she is in a better place.  People tried to continually tell me that—I know it was the only way they knew how to comfort me and I’m thankful but I remember in my mind being angry every time I heard it… I remember feeling attacked, like I didn’t know where she was.  I know that isn’t how it was meant but that’s how I felt.  

 

My heart won’t ever be the same.  Part of my soul was given to that baby already and so part of my soul is already up in heaven. 

 

After the blur of an appointment I had to go through some blood testing that day and two days later to make sure they could safely do the D&C Thursday. 

 

All week after that I feel like I held it together pretty well, crying a little but not falling apart like I thought I would—honestly it was so surreal for me to experience.  Then I went in for the surgery….

 

Those sweet nurses were the best, they brought me tissues and one let me cry on her shoulder for a good ten minutes.  They brought Cooper and I bracelets that said, “We remember” and let me tell you something…to all you nurses and Dr.s out there, if you read this thank you for everything you do.  These people that came in contact with me that day were such huge blessings for me. 

 

After everything, sometimes I feel stronger because of it, but sometimes I feel more broken because of it.  I assume it will be like that for a long time.  Every time I think of our angel I’ll feel a little broken. 

 

I wouldn’t wish it away though…I’m thankful for even those 13 weeks I had with our baby. 

 

Some people wait to announce their pregnancy until the 12 week “safety” mark.  I understand, I really do.  The thing is, I’m glad I didn’t.  I am glad I had that excited feeling with everyone for a while.  I’m glad my baby didn’t exist to just Cooper and I.  I’m glad I can share my story that SO many women relate to.  I’d never ever ever take that back.  I don’t judge women who wait and I’d love to not be judged for being open and not waiting.  I hope all of you understand the sensitivity of this kind of situation, so if you don’t agree with sharing it I get it…but because of the sensitivity I hope you would be kind enough to keep the negativity to yourself because it’s the last thing anyone in my situation wants to hear.  Overall, I had love and support after this happened but there of course was that one person who decided to give their unwanted opinion about how I should have kept it to myself.  (The day of I might add…) 

 

I needed to share my story.  I needed to acknowledge the fact that there was a soul inside of me that didn’t get to make it out.  I 100% believe in that baby girls existence because I 100% believe in God.  If you feel differently than I do…that’s your choice…but you can keep it to yourself. 

 

I love that little angel and I’ll never forget her. 

 

By God’s grace I finished writing this post soon after I found out I am expecting a baby again.  I appreciate prayers for this baby’s health.  I am so hopeful for the future…because that’s all we can do right? Hope.

 

To all of you other women out there who have experienced something similar, feel free to email me at heyhoawaywego@yahoo.com I’d LOVE getting to connect with you. 

 

Sending you all love and blessings.

WE HAVE AN ANNOUNCEMENT!!!

We were given an early christmas present this year..

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Daphne isn’t sure about it yet..

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I decided since it got here early…I should open it early…

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I mean it’s from God so……

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WE ARE EXPECTING A BABY!!!!!!! 

 

As we enter this journey again I ask for prayers of health for this child.  We prefer announcing when we find out for this very reason.  I have so many prayer warriors in my life.  We have completely put our faith and trust in God and believe that his will, WILL be done regardless!  We are still entering this with some fear and anxiety due to losing our first sweet baby so recently.  However, mostly we are filled with hope and excitement and we chose to share it rather than try and keep it all bottled up! Cheers to what seems to be a very big year! 

 

sending love and blessings to you all this wonderful christmas season! 

STARBUCKS BUTTERBEER (for all you die hard HP fans like me)

Hot Butterbeer recipe:

– Whole milk steamer 

– Add Caramel syrup (2 pumps for tall, 3 for grande, 4 for Venit)

– Add Toffee Nut syrup (2 pumps for tall, 3 for grande, 4 for Venti)

– Add cinnamon Dolce syrup (2 pumps for tall, 3 for grande, 4 for Venti)

– Whipped cream and salted caramel bits OR creme brulee topping (I prefer creme brulee)

– If you want the coffee in it I normally add 1-2 shots of espresso but its so tasty without as well!

*When I get Venti I due three pumps of syrup so that it isnt too sweet but you can try it different ways!

**Also I normally only order this when I can go IN starbucks…can you imagine doing that over the drive-thru mic? 🙂 

***When you’re hot and need a cold drink ask for a creme frappuccino base then add the syrup

I found this first on the startbucks secret menu website which is compiled list of amazing secret drinks you can order and the recipes, then Diana Stone did a post on dianawrote.com too! This wonderfulness is spreading and I LOVE it! 

Constants- a short post on friendship

“Sometimes in life, there really are bonds formed that can never be broken.  Sometimes you really can find that one person who will stand by you no matter what.  Maybe you’ll find it in a spouse and celebrate it with your dream wedding…but there’s also the chance, that the one person you can count on for a lifetime…the one person who knows you sometimes better than you know yourself, is the same person who’s been standing beside you all along.”-quoted from the end of bride wars

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| Marisa Monroe and I at the park—we are soul mates |

Don’t get me wrong…my husband is my best friend and the love of my life. However, this post isn’t about my husband.  This post is for my best friends.  The gals that string the pieces of my heart together–we all have them, we call them best friends and they are the people that help me to make sense of the things in life that make my head spin.  They are the girls that understand in a way a man cant. 

Who is the person you call when the most exciting thing happens in your life?  Who is the person you tell everything to other than your significant other? 

–it’s your best friend of course.

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| Aly Fox and I at my wedding—my maid of honor and  best friend since age 10 |

I feel like we all go through this journey in life with different people by our sides.  Some of those people are constantly changing and then some of those people are just constant. 

 In high school it was back and forth over and over.  Who are my true friends that will be by my side when I’m old and my hair has gone gray? Was constantly running through my mind.  The feeling of utter betrayal when one person turned out to be different when than you thought…but that is life right? We are all constantly evolving our minds and our souls to become what we are meant to be. 

I’m sure there are people I’ve disappointed time and time again without even meaning to. And to you reading this who felt or feel that way, I’m sorry.

I love this quote, “a friend who understands your tears is much more valuable than a lot of friends who only know your smile.”- unknown origin (courtesy of Marisa Monroe)

 It’s true.  Lots of people see me smile, I have a deep love of laughter and smiling.  I only let certain people see my tears…only a handful of people know my deepest sorrows.

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| Gabrielle Rowden and I getting ready for my wedding—she brings a smile to my face constantly |

 This post is to bring recognition to those in my life that are the constants.  My lifelong soul mates who are the jelly to my peanut butter…the reason for my making it through life with just a few scrapes and bruises rather than giving up.  The ladies that have brought me back to God when I’ve been blinded by sorrow and anger.

 My constants are my life angels.  The ones who remind me that I have something to offer, the ones who make sure I never feel alone…this is for you.

 Without you, I’m not sure I would be sane.  Without you, I’m not sure I could have made it through life so far without giving up on myself. 

 Thank you my angels. Thank you for never giving up on me.  Thank you for your constant love.  Thank you for making me laugh.  Thank you for being there for me while I cry.  Thank you for being there.  Thank you for being constant.

| my greatest hope and prayer is that I give you even half of the happiness and joy you bring to my life |

 

 

the day in which i said, “i do” | part two |

whew and just like that, in a moment all of my nerves and stress just evaporated into thin air.  i saw the man that was about to become my husband until death. that is a huge deal folks.

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i’ll never forget that moment.  the look on his face as he turned around to look at me.  the most incredible moment of my life.  we fall more in love every single day.

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you know, there’s this whole debate on whether or not you should see your groom before the wedding for pictures or not.  the whole “unlucky” superstition.  let me just say personally i wouldn’t have done it any other way.  we were able to take our pictures together before my makeup was destroyed from crying, and while my hair was still perfectly in place.  he was able to calm my nerves before the long walk down the isle (in front of a ton of people i may add) and boy, i think i would have lost it if i hadn’t seen him.  oh the nerves..gotta love the nerves.

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we got to take some beautiful pictures and have some time just the two of us –and our amazing photographers which i may end up doing a separate post about they are THAT good- we saw each other for the first time pre-wedding behind my parents house looking over the river and then continued the photo session downtown by our reception space loft 1023.

PHOTOGRAPHY: http://www.katebotwinski.com/

the day in which i said, “i do” | part one |

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this is the date that my happily ever after truly began. that day was the start of the life i’ll be living with Cooper Watts Davis until my last breath.

at 6:30 am i woke up with an ache in my tummy unable to shut my eyes again for a few more hours of sleep. I woke up and woke up my maid of honor aly. i remember her sighing and wanting to go back to sleep (who can blame her though right?) and this is when the nerves hit hard. i ended up being sick ALL morning up until the moment Cooper put his arms around me.

around 10 am, my bridal luncheon began.  let me tell you, i had the BEST bridal luncheon you could possibly imagine.  my mothers three best friends, Nancy, Holly and Tani planned it and it was AMAZING.  lots of tears were shed and advice from my wonderful grandmothers and my new grandmother in law was given and smiles were all over the place.

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my sweet bridesmaids and i got ready at my parents house and i had the best makeup artist (kakki jones) and my hair stylist, kitty, that had been doing my hair since around age ten was in charge of my crazy mane.  these ladies were incredible.  they did such a great job of pampering me and calming down my crazy nerves.

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i was honored to wear my mother-in-law’s wedding shoes from 1979.  she even still had her lucky penny from that year taped to the sole of the shoe! we added an alabama quarter (where my husband is from) and 50 euro cents (because of my love of Italy) next to her penny–my dad searched far and wide for a 2013 penny with no such luck.  apparently they hadn’t been released yet! 

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PHOTOGRAPHY: http://www.katebotwinski.com/

Love Story

Cooper and i met my junior year of high school when i thought the world would end if i had a zit and that having a boyfriend upped my cool status.  Cooper was a freshman in college and that in and of itself was major.

i went to visit my friend Mariah at the theater where she worked and a hottie in the box office caught my eye.  i of course told Mariah that i thought that boy was cute and she told me his name.  i quickly forgot about it all because at 16 what chance did i have of that cute boy liking me right?

WELL, at around 1:30 am i received a text from said boy saying, “hey kate its cooper from the theater, sup?” yes…he said “sup?”  Again at 16 what could have been cooler than this cute boy texting me no matter how ridiculous his comment was?  In a twist of events that included me not realizing who said texter was and deleting it and then figuring it out and calling my friend at the theater to tell him to text me again—one week later, this boy was my boyfriend.  i guess you could say we hit off.

Almost five years later and this guy is my husband, the ying to my yang, the fred to my wilma, the gil to my anne, the ron to my hermione, the romeo to my juliet—you get the picture.

We have since been through long distance, wedding planning while in college, a wedding, being separated due to basic training, being separated due to tech school,  the excitement of finding out we were having a baby, a move cross country, and the heartbreak of losing our baby as I was entering my second trimester.  Through it all, Cooper is my constant rock and source of joy.  This man completes me.  This man knows me better than anyone.  This man is the love of my life and I thank God for him constantly.