Does anyone else ever just sit down and take everything in and think…woah, time is going by quickly? I just keep having these out of body moments that are hard to explain. I’m sitting here, cleaning house while my baby sleeps soundly in my bed…my baby…BABY. I feel like yesterday I was learning how to snap my fingers in my brothers bunk bed in California. And just like a snap of the fingers, it’s gone. Time. I’ve lost it without even noticing. I feel like much of my time has been spent not present in that moment. Instead, I have lived thinking ahead always. Through moves, tears, friendships, boyfriends, breakups, school and work…it’s been a constant journey of looking forward. I’ve rarely stopped and looked around to take in that present moment I was in.
I keep thinking of my mistakes, of my resentments towards old relationships that didn’t work the way I thought they would…friendships that were lost because of things that I still can’t even grasp. Betrayals by me, and people I thought would never betray me. As I grow, I daily find more and more imperfections, imperfections of my body, and mainly my soul. I also learn daily how to accept some things and change the things that I can. I haven’t conquered everything, not by a long shot…but then I think..at least I’m fighting to conquer them.
I hope I’m able to teach my son that growth isn’t something that stops one day, you magically hit 18 leave the house and know it all. You don’t know it all at any age. (Which beautifully could be linked to how some people think there is a certain acceptable age for marriage and children which usually has something to do with surpassing the age of 25 or 30 but I won’t get into that today) You also don’t have only one experience that molds into the person you are. You have experiences daily, you have the ability to change daily. Never stop changing, never stop growing.
Complacency is the thing I fear most. To be complacent is to give up on yourself. We can conquer anything that we wish to conquer. No matter how dark your soul feels, there will never be a complete loss of light. God is there in the darkest of times and the darkest of moments. God is the omnipotent and omnipresent.
I hope that no one I know or that reads this has given up on themselves or on God. I hope that I never give up on myself, I hope my son sees me conquering the sin I’m presented with and conquering failure too because there is bound to be lots.
“I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” Psalm 139:14
“It is important to fight and fight again, and keep fighting, for only then can evil be kept at bay though never quite eradicated.”-Albus Dumbledore by J.K Rowling in Harry Potter and the half-blood prince
“All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.”-Gandalf by J.R.R Tolkien the fellowship of the ring